it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
