you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
