My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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