i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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