Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
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Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
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And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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