I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
