he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
