We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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