Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
