I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
