I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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