Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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