How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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