please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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