she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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