I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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