white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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