seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
