I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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