I wish I only lived at night.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
