we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
