allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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