My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
