I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
