I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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