My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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