so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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