I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
