Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
