dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
