Me. At least after what I've been through.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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