ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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