I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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