Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
