why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize