I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
