I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
