proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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