just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
