listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
cat food counts as protein by the way
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
