I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The best revenge is premature balding
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
