i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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