Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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