well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
