I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
