Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
