apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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