I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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