we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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