Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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