All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
