i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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