I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize