I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
