"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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