i jhust puked up my retainher.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
can u get pink eye on your cock?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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