Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
