We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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