I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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