My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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