I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
